Moments of Discernment !

I don’t know why, I couldn’t wake up, I couldn’t open my eyes, I feel so lifeless, can I call Jenny, I smell tea, she might be busy in kitchen, preparing, I shouldn’t disturb her, can I call Jack, I can hear noise from his room, no, he’ll be annoyed if I perturb his gaming session, I’ll rather call Judith, she is my dearest, but she might panic, what to do, I don’t feel good, but the matter of fact is, I am not able to move, how will I ask them for help. I can hear footsteps gradually increasing in decibel, and the smell of my favorite evening tea gently altering Jenny’s most favorable lavender room scent in my bedroom, she nears me, I know, she smell lemon and chocolate, the hand-wash she used, mixed with the milkshake she prepared for the kids, and slightly the smell of smoke, she obviously doesn’t smoke, she prefer a healthy lifestyle, in contrast to mine, maybe she worked long in kitchen, I want to open my eyes and greet her, ‘Good Evening’, but I am unable to. She always taunts me when I sleep longer, actually when I promised to take only a quick nap, I believe, this is quicker as far as possible, I don’t want to see her angry face, she takes care of me so well, I don’t want to be troublesome, but I fail every time. She addresses me Dear, Darling, Honey, Sweetheart, Richie, Love, Baby, as sweet as her mood seems, right now, she addresses me, ‘Richard’, maybe she is tired of my hassles, maybe I don’t reciprocate her love, maybe she want to give up on me, maybe not, though she complains, she never hates me, but I doubt whether she love me, as she used to. I want to respond, but I couldn’t. She utters my name even louder now, I want to stop her, I want to convey that I liked when she addressed me, ‘Honey’, the most, because her voice is mellifluous when she addresses me the same, with love in her eyes and smile in her lips, and continue to do so. But I couldn’t. Now, she nears me further, I can feel her hands over mine, but those are rough, she works harder, I realize, I want to apologize now, for placing all the burdens over her, for not taking the responsibilities, for not fulfilling the promises I made when I proposed her, she is now shaking me, that hurts, and now she touches all over my face, she might feel the chillness of my skin now, her voice trembled when she phoned my doctor, I want to console her, take her in my arms and hug her, and I want to promise, I’ll be there for her, she now called Jack and Judith, he was annoyed as I guessed, that reflected in his voice, but Judith seemed fragile maybe she has just finished crying, she seemed dull for the past few days, I guess, adolescence is no less than a war, I wanted to ask her, what’s bothering her so much, but I didn’t, now I couldn’t, they almost sensed Jenny’s tension by now, they neared me as well, I want to ensure them, I am alright, this Liver cirrhosis had definitely created a distance from them, but I want to apologize to them, sorry for not taking him to his football practice sessions, sorry for not paying attention to her problems with the bullies around the street, sorry for missing all the necessary parents-teachers meetings, sorry for not appreciating any of their achievements, sorry for not listening to their dreams and aspirations, sorry for being a bad father, who couldn’t teach them how to live rather I’ve been an example how not to live, I feel guilty, they cry now, Judith, the more, I know she loved me despite my flaws, I couldn’t wipe their tears either. Jenny consoles them, I know, she will, she is a responsible woman, a great wife and a loving mother, I want to share her sorrow, her responsibilities, in taking care of their needs, in understanding their feelings, which I failed to, I should’ve asked them when I was able to, but ignored due to my excessive unreliability, I wasn’t a trustworthy person, I wasn’t considerate either, I was self-centered and feckless. But I want to tell her I am sorry, that wouldn’t change the brutal past, but definitely we can have a suave future, I cannot promise a future of no troubles, but I can promise, even if there are, I’ll be there with her, to take care, and hold responsibility, and I can promise I will love her, as I felt when I first saw her, when I knelt and proposed her of a happy marriage, when I placed a kiss on her lips at the wedding altar, when she handed me over Judith for the first time and Jack, when she cooks my favorite meal, when she waits for me on my late nights, when she concerns my health, when she took care of me without hesitation, I wanted to say her, then and there, but I didn’t, but Jenny, if you could listen, I want to say you something, I love you, I always have and I always will, sorry I didn’t convey, I regret my mistakes, and I genuinely want to correct them, if given a chance, now she started crying more, I can sense, she is near me, she didn’t seem to leave my side, she have always been, and I can hear another voice now, that’s my doctor’s, I guess, he arrived, to check my health status, oh, but, that doesn’t seem to show any progress, but today there’s this strange feeling of discernment, all of a sudden, so I expect something positive from him, but Jenny, Judith and Jack, seem worried, I can feel, I want to convince them, but if doctor tells, they might be convinced, he checks my essential parameters, and I want him to tell something soon, why am I not to do what I want to, I want to wake up and give a promising smile to my family, I couldn’t wait further, and finally he opened his mouth to pronounce, I am dead.


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